Thursday, June 11, 2009

Bottom line.

Probably not, but it makes for a good subject line, I think.

Marcy asked a question in the last post's comments. She asked what else I needed other than a mortgage right about now. Do you mean other than a mortgage plus fortnight on a Greek island with breezy, sunny days and cool, clear nights, surrounded by Adonis stand-ins, Marcy? Really, I think that's a given.

But seriously, while this whole process has been unbelievably frustrating to the point of demoralizing, the bottom line is that I don't need much more than what I already have. I had serious worries about where I would live, but it's worked out. My cat is happy and safe and apparently holding court where she is. My mom makes supper for me when I get home from work. My mail is arriving regularly (that's another story...), as are my paychecks (although there's only one left until September). I can even hit someone's wireless network here so I can blog and Facebook and IM as I desire. I have knitting with me, and my wheel.

I guess the biggest thing I would ask for now is conclusion. I've been a described as (and I take this as a compliment, even though the person who did the describing is not high on my list) an artist who has her shit together. I love process and at the same time, I dislike dangling ends. I finish what I begin. And by the way, I prefer to be in charge of the process. What I've been through with this mortgage fiasco is completely the opposite of the way I prefer to function, and I have no way to influence the process. I've offered to bake cookies, give a vial of blood; I've cried, I've yelled, I've made almost-daily phone calls (which I stand by...I truly think it's the only way we've kept Mr. Mortgage moving along). Except for that last one, nothing I've done has made an impact. And I don't like to be ignored.

A hallmark of my personality is the ability to make pretty much anything...well, personal. I don't go into many things halfway, and when you put that much of yourself into things, it's nearly impossible to detach from them. Doing it in my job is a good thing. Trying to do it with a sizable bureaucracy (as well as with several smaller ones) is folly, and someday I will learn the difference. (I think that may be part of growing up. Damn.) I've started; I realize that there's very little I can do to control what comes in. I feel like a radio receiver that doesn't turn off. However, I can control which stations I decide to fully tune in. It's not the same as rejection; it's thoughtful selection, and that isn't a character flaw. Not if I'm going to survive the ups and downs of life in more or less one piece, it isn't.

So, in the immortal words of the affirmation taped to my laptop, "My life continues to get better and better. I now move into my greater good." And if I'm really lucky, my greater good will include a Greek island...

1 comment:

Marcy said...

Greek island. Check.
I'll see what I can do.

These life experiences give us stuff for long term personal gain. You will find, I think, at the end of the process, a new core self. Still yourself, but with new peace at the center.