Addendum

Now with 100% more attempts at humor! Really, just when I think this situation is as ludicrous as it could possibly be, they totally raise the bar and throw me off guard. I should appreciate a company that strives to be the best at being the worst. Everyone should have goals.

So here's an open letter, and my evening's attempt at cleverness. Apologies in advance...

To the people handling my mortgage:
You suck. You suck with the force of a thousand black holes. You suck more than all the vacuums in the world. You suck more than every soda straw in the past, present and future of every fast-food establishment in the universe. You suck deeper than the mud of the rainiest rainforest in the Amazon. You suck with the intensity of all the quicksand in every bad jungle movie on film.

I don't think there's a thing I can do to counteract the suckiness other than to invite every friend I have in the world over to my house (when you finally allow me to move into it) and SUCK UP ALL THE BOOZE IN THE WORLD until we forget this ever happened.

Piss off.