Monday, September 14, 2009


Did you read that post yesterday? Didja? Amazing, wasn't it? Can you imagine sitting in a chair across from me listening to that instead of reading it?

Don't. It's kind of scary. It's chronic anxiety. It's overwhelming, I think; it certainly is to me. Today is better. I need to talk to my PNP, because as the seasons change and the days get shorter (thanks a lot, Northeastern US), we often need to adjust the medication I take to help control it. I need to take some other steps too, but oddly, one of the consequences of anxiety for me is my mind saying, Go!Go!GO!GO!!! and my body freezing up. This has probably saved me a lot of grief, because it keeps me from doing some really dumb stuff. But it also keeps me from engaging other coping mechanisms. Crazy shit, yanno...walking, knitting, spinning (at a WHEEL, not my own two feet). Anything that would discharge some of the anxious energy, really, or at least safely distract me long enough to let the energy dissipate. It's very frustrating.

And what's worse is the feeling I get if I have acted while in anxiety's grip. I said something to a friend over the weekend; it could change the nature of the friendship. Some would say that this person isn't much of a friend if they can't understand what's going on, and listen to me again when I've had a chance to relax. This is true. This friend knows this is part of me. And really, what I said is not of outright meanness or such like that. But I can't shake the feeling of impending doom, that this is THE END of something. What I brought up, in my own obsequious way, needs to be discussed; how I brought it up is cringe-worthy, in my mind. My belief is that friends can work things out. I have many, many friends who have stood by me when things have been exponentially worse. My intuition says that this person is a friend of that caliber. Anxiety tells me hell no, you're kidding yourself, you've screwed up again and you deserve what you get for what you said. Funny thing is, that sort of thing has happened only once in my life, and the man-boy who used it against me knew exactly what he was doing. (That's a textbook definition of something, isn't it? Certainly cruelty.) Experience should be my teacher: out of hundreds of thousands interactions I've had with people, only one has been a total schmuck. That experience was almost indescribably painful. Yet I am fortunate. (And perhaps sheltered, but we won't discuss that today.) I honestly can say that I can recall no one else ever treating me like that...yet it's the first place my brain goes during a conflict. Even though my experience has been otherwise, I expect to be unloaded for minor transgressions. Hmmm.

So I will continue to fight against it, to listen to the true teacher instead of the relentless pedant. The work goes on. Thank you for "listening."


Anonymous said...

Reading your recent posts, I'm beginning to think that we were separated at birth... It might be difficult to sit down and knit or spin or walk when you're anxious because all of those activities allow time for reflection, even if you're working on some crazy Alice Starmore cabled-intarsia-fair isle pattern, and require a calm that the Go!Go!Go! doesn't allow. And, for me at least, it's easier to distract myself on the innernets than it is to deal with my thought process (which could probably be the subject of a comedic drama somewhere Off Off Broadway).

Anyway. I totally know the Feeling Of Doom, too. But it's usually never as bad as it seems, and the thing that I said on Friday that I'm worried will be misinterpreted to mean End. Of. World. was likely forgotten by the other party. So, keep listening to your teacher, find a positive mantra, and try to ignore your own anxious thoughts. Easier said than done, I know, but I think (and hope) that practice makes perfect. :)

Marcy said...

Let your friend be your friend and stand by you! Trust.

Anonymous said...

This sounds so familiar. You've worded it better than I ever could (and so did Linnea). You know to hang in there and wait it out- its just not that easy. Hugs.